Never really thought about it til now...

Not Good At Letting Go...

I was sitting here thinking about what to write about. It came to me quickly. I am not good at letting anything go. If you have hurt or betrayed me, I am not one of those people who can forgive easily. I don't trust easily either, so it would stand to reason that I would hold onto it longer than some people that are more trusting by nature. I think most people are lying 90% of the time. I am also a get them before they get you kind of person.

Are these traits nature or nurture? I would say that both my biological mother (do not know my biological father) and my adopted parents are very similar in a lot of ways. As strange as that sounds. My adopted father was very trusting and wanted to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, however he was cautious in the same sense. My adopted Mom was nice to everyone, and for the most part pretty trusting. They both forgave fairly easily in my eyes. Becky (biological mother) is trusting of some real dumbasses. But I wouldn't say real forgiving.

I still hold resentments for relationships that long ago ended. I still get mad about a girl in High School that started dating a guy I dated and thought I loved. When I say mad, not like want to hunt her down and punch her in the face mad. Just like she was a stupid bitch mad. I must also say that if I ever ran into her I would be nice and probably apologize for tormenting her in High School. But those feelings don't go away for me.

I also hold onto those I've lost. It still hurts as badly today and maybe more so that my parents are gone. I keep thinking that it is suppose to get better, the whole time heals all wounds crap. I bought the house that they lived in for 20 years. When I mow the grass I think of my dad and when I get new appliances, carpet, or furniture I think of how pleased my mom would be. I have thought about moving and in my head I think that this is my life not theirs and I need to live it not in memory of theirs. Then the thought of another family in that house makes me so sad, and Thanksgiving somewhere would feel so weird.

My husband says I am a little crazy. Maybe so! I should say that when I said "I still hold resentments for relationships that have long ago ended." I want to make sure that you don't think that it is not because I am unhappy today. I have the most amazing husband. Eric gets me in every way that is important. I can not imagine my life without him and I don't know what I did before him.

One more thing and then I will end this entry. I said I don't forgive easily which is true but the person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself. Like I said "Not good at letting go..."

Where does the time go...

It has been forever. The last time I posted I was pregnant and did not know if it was a boy or a girl. Well, it was a boy. He is almost 16 months old. We named him Jaxon. He is the happiest baby in the world and a true joy. Jax had a little bit of a rough start spending 9 days in the NICU but after coming home all is well.

Nick is almost 10 years old, and about to start the 4th grade. I took the boys to see what teachers they are going to have this year and what friends are going to be in their classes. I remember that was always exciting time growing up. Nick is bright and so helpful, very sweet and loving.

Mason is 6. That amazes me, for some reason I always think of him as so much younger. He may be the most giving child I have ever known. He struggles with impulse control but heck so do I.

and then there is Bindi. Bindi, Bindi, Bindi! I could write a novel about this one. You never know what she is going to say. It is usually way beyond her years. She is never quite! She is funny and perfect. You have to say perfect, she won't allow any other compliments not pretty or sweet nor beautiful. You are only allowed to say that she is perfect.

I am lucky in every way that counts. My husband is amazing and I know that I don't share that with him often enough. I can not count the number of times a day that I thank God for him. I can only hope to be as good to him as he is to me! There are so many times in my life that I have wanted to freeze time, and keep everything the way it was and of course looking back I realize how much I would have missed. But I still find myself where does the time go?

Thankful for...

Well, it is that time of year! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am having 21 people over. can I just say I can't name 21 people that I truly like. So, we shall see how this goes. Now, to continue on with the ongoing Becky saga... She told me yesterday that the reason she was mad was not because I am pregnant (b.s.) but because she I did not tell her. Either way she was going to pissed. For whatever reason I honestly can not care less!

Now on to the Thankful part. I am thankful for my husband and kids, of course! I am thankful that this pregnancy has gone relatively easily. (I will be extremely Thankful if this baby is a girl!) I could go on and on but I am sure that my list is about the same as everyone Else's that has lived through all I have. Although no one's experience is the same I know there are people that have never gone through anything close to what I have and that there are monstrosities out there that I can not even wrap my head around. So mostly I guess I am just Thankful for the ability to be Thankful!

The cat is out of the bag...

Well, almost half way through my pregnancy and Becky finally asked me if I am pregnant. She finally noticed one of my ultrasounds that has been hanging on the fridge since Sept. 11. She is quick on the uptake! Then a few days later I get the call from my stepfather asking me if I know that I am sick and old, and did I give any consideration at all to my health. My response was "No, none at all!" Then, I got the you live in a 2 bedroom house and will have 4 kids what are you going to do with this kid. To which my response was "Put it in a shoe box." By the way I have a 3 bedroom house.

I guess this is what bothers me. When people tell me that they are expecting I say congratulations and let them worry about all the things that are going to go into providing for a child because I assume that they have usually thought it through and if they want my advice or opinion they would ask for it. Now, saying that if you ask please realize that I will give you my honest opinion and I will tell you what I am able and willing to help with. So, Becky has still yet to talk to me at all. Let alone about my pregnancy and my patients are wearing thin with this whole if you don't do what I want then I will pout and not talk to you! I have to say I was just fine for the first 28 years without you, I am sure I could manage the nest 28 years!

What I did not know that I did not know...

I did not know that being a child is basically being able to act however you want, and being an adult is acting how everyone else expects. Realizing that I have those same expectations of other adults as well. Actually, giving a crap about other peoples needs and feelings more than your own. Most people eventually figure out that being a child was a much simpler time with no mortgage or electric bills, or even worrying how am I going to put gas in the car. But it is so much more than that. For most kids it's about not seeing the ugly in the world, or realizing that the people who are suppose to look out for us are sometimes the very people who hurt us the most. Loving someone is simple and easy not constantly questioned or doubted. It just is!

As I was loading the dishwasher tonight it came to me this is my life. My life as a wife and a mother. I am blessed to have some of the comforts we tend to take for granted, and I do take them for granted like most people most of the time. But not tonight, tonight I am thankful for everything in my life. Which includes being thankful for what I did not know that I did not know!

Child Supportive ( Kind of)

So, I have chosen not to tell my biological mother that I am expecting again. She is not what you would really call the supportive type and I am so happy about this baby, I just don't care to hear it! Although, it also feels kind of cowardly, and yes eventually she will figure it out. It is funny when you have your first or even second child for that matter everyone is AH! Congratulations! You move on to your third or more and everyone is like enough already! Having children is a very personal decision. I understand when people want none, one, or two! But why judge others that CAN do more. No, I am not rich, but I provide for my kids. I have never been on any kind of assistance, am able to stay home with my kids 80% of the time, they have everything they need and for the most part want.

I think this post has turned into an e-mail to Becky more so than a post. I apologize. I guess what I am trying to say be supportive of those you claim to love.