Not Good At Letting Go...

I was sitting here thinking about what to write about. It came to me quickly. I am not good at letting anything go. If you have hurt or betrayed me, I am not one of those people who can forgive easily. I don't trust easily either, so it would stand to reason that I would hold onto it longer than some people that are more trusting by nature. I think most people are lying 90% of the time. I am also a get them before they get you kind of person.

Are these traits nature or nurture? I would say that both my biological mother (do not know my biological father) and my adopted parents are very similar in a lot of ways. As strange as that sounds. My adopted father was very trusting and wanted to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, however he was cautious in the same sense. My adopted Mom was nice to everyone, and for the most part pretty trusting. They both forgave fairly easily in my eyes. Becky (biological mother) is trusting of some real dumbasses. But I wouldn't say real forgiving.

I still hold resentments for relationships that long ago ended. I still get mad about a girl in High School that started dating a guy I dated and thought I loved. When I say mad, not like want to hunt her down and punch her in the face mad. Just like she was a stupid bitch mad. I must also say that if I ever ran into her I would be nice and probably apologize for tormenting her in High School. But those feelings don't go away for me.

I also hold onto those I've lost. It still hurts as badly today and maybe more so that my parents are gone. I keep thinking that it is suppose to get better, the whole time heals all wounds crap. I bought the house that they lived in for 20 years. When I mow the grass I think of my dad and when I get new appliances, carpet, or furniture I think of how pleased my mom would be. I have thought about moving and in my head I think that this is my life not theirs and I need to live it not in memory of theirs. Then the thought of another family in that house makes me so sad, and Thanksgiving somewhere would feel so weird.

My husband says I am a little crazy. Maybe so! I should say that when I said "I still hold resentments for relationships that have long ago ended." I want to make sure that you don't think that it is not because I am unhappy today. I have the most amazing husband. Eric gets me in every way that is important. I can not imagine my life without him and I don't know what I did before him.

One more thing and then I will end this entry. I said I don't forgive easily which is true but the person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself. Like I said "Not good at letting go..."