Saturday, September 17, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Not Good At Letting Go...
I was sitting here thinking about what to write about. It came to me quickly. I am not good at letting anything go. If you have hurt or betrayed me, I am not one of those people who can forgive easily. I don't trust easily either, so it would stand to reason that I would hold onto it longer than some people that are more trusting by nature. I think most people are lying 90% of the time. I am also a get them before they get you kind of person.
Are these traits nature or nurture? I would say that both my biological mother (do not know my biological father) and my adopted parents are very similar in a lot of ways. As strange as that sounds. My adopted father was very trusting and wanted to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, however he was cautious in the same sense. My adopted Mom was nice to everyone, and for the most part pretty trusting. They both forgave fairly easily in my eyes. Becky (biological mother) is trusting of some real dumbasses. But I wouldn't say real forgiving.
I still hold resentments for relationships that long ago ended. I still get mad about a girl in High School that started dating a guy I dated and thought I loved. When I say mad, not like want to hunt her down and punch her in the face mad. Just like she was a stupid bitch mad. I must also say that if I ever ran into her I would be nice and probably apologize for tormenting her in High School. But those feelings don't go away for me.
I also hold onto those I've lost. It still hurts as badly today and maybe more so that my parents are gone. I keep thinking that it is suppose to get better, the whole time heals all wounds crap. I bought the house that they lived in for 20 years. When I mow the grass I think of my dad and when I get new appliances, carpet, or furniture I think of how pleased my mom would be. I have thought about moving and in my head I think that this is my life not theirs and I need to live it not in memory of theirs. Then the thought of another family in that house makes me so sad, and Thanksgiving somewhere would feel so weird.
My husband says I am a little crazy. Maybe so! I should say that when I said "I still hold resentments for relationships that have long ago ended." I want to make sure that you don't think that it is not because I am unhappy today. I have the most amazing husband. Eric gets me in every way that is important. I can not imagine my life without him and I don't know what I did before him.
One more thing and then I will end this entry. I said I don't forgive easily which is true but the person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself. Like I said "Not good at letting go..."
Are these traits nature or nurture? I would say that both my biological mother (do not know my biological father) and my adopted parents are very similar in a lot of ways. As strange as that sounds. My adopted father was very trusting and wanted to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, however he was cautious in the same sense. My adopted Mom was nice to everyone, and for the most part pretty trusting. They both forgave fairly easily in my eyes. Becky (biological mother) is trusting of some real dumbasses. But I wouldn't say real forgiving.
I still hold resentments for relationships that long ago ended. I still get mad about a girl in High School that started dating a guy I dated and thought I loved. When I say mad, not like want to hunt her down and punch her in the face mad. Just like she was a stupid bitch mad. I must also say that if I ever ran into her I would be nice and probably apologize for tormenting her in High School. But those feelings don't go away for me.
I also hold onto those I've lost. It still hurts as badly today and maybe more so that my parents are gone. I keep thinking that it is suppose to get better, the whole time heals all wounds crap. I bought the house that they lived in for 20 years. When I mow the grass I think of my dad and when I get new appliances, carpet, or furniture I think of how pleased my mom would be. I have thought about moving and in my head I think that this is my life not theirs and I need to live it not in memory of theirs. Then the thought of another family in that house makes me so sad, and Thanksgiving somewhere would feel so weird.
My husband says I am a little crazy. Maybe so! I should say that when I said "I still hold resentments for relationships that have long ago ended." I want to make sure that you don't think that it is not because I am unhappy today. I have the most amazing husband. Eric gets me in every way that is important. I can not imagine my life without him and I don't know what I did before him.
One more thing and then I will end this entry. I said I don't forgive easily which is true but the person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself. Like I said "Not good at letting go..."
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Where does the time go...
It has been forever. The last time I posted I was pregnant and did not know if it was a boy or a girl. Well, it was a boy. He is almost 16 months old. We named him Jaxon. He is the happiest baby in the world and a true joy. Jax had a little bit of a rough start spending 9 days in the NICU but after coming home all is well.
Nick is almost 10 years old, and about to start the 4th grade. I took the boys to see what teachers they are going to have this year and what friends are going to be in their classes. I remember that was always exciting time growing up. Nick is bright and so helpful, very sweet and loving.
Mason is 6. That amazes me, for some reason I always think of him as so much younger. He may be the most giving child I have ever known. He struggles with impulse control but heck so do I.
and then there is Bindi. Bindi, Bindi, Bindi! I could write a novel about this one. You never know what she is going to say. It is usually way beyond her years. She is never quite! She is funny and perfect. You have to say perfect, she won't allow any other compliments not pretty or sweet nor beautiful. You are only allowed to say that she is perfect.
I am lucky in every way that counts. My husband is amazing and I know that I don't share that with him often enough. I can not count the number of times a day that I thank God for him. I can only hope to be as good to him as he is to me! There are so many times in my life that I have wanted to freeze time, and keep everything the way it was and of course looking back I realize how much I would have missed. But I still find myself where does the time go?
Nick is almost 10 years old, and about to start the 4th grade. I took the boys to see what teachers they are going to have this year and what friends are going to be in their classes. I remember that was always exciting time growing up. Nick is bright and so helpful, very sweet and loving.
Mason is 6. That amazes me, for some reason I always think of him as so much younger. He may be the most giving child I have ever known. He struggles with impulse control but heck so do I.
and then there is Bindi. Bindi, Bindi, Bindi! I could write a novel about this one. You never know what she is going to say. It is usually way beyond her years. She is never quite! She is funny and perfect. You have to say perfect, she won't allow any other compliments not pretty or sweet nor beautiful. You are only allowed to say that she is perfect.
I am lucky in every way that counts. My husband is amazing and I know that I don't share that with him often enough. I can not count the number of times a day that I thank God for him. I can only hope to be as good to him as he is to me! There are so many times in my life that I have wanted to freeze time, and keep everything the way it was and of course looking back I realize how much I would have missed. But I still find myself where does the time go?
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